Reading the help-wanted ads, which for some of us happens multiple times every day, can be an exercise in frustration and wonder.
Who knew tattoo artists were in such demand? When are your political views critical for job-application success? Why didn’t we all climb more trees? Exactly what is a dirndl and do you have to make your own?
And just how many “Stay at home and get rich quick” schemes are there, really?
What you’ve got to remember about this sampling from jobs advertised in a 50-mile radius around Albany, NY. The mind boggles to think about the specific skills and past experiences wanted in jobs all over the country.
One of the favorites so far was for a bartender at a German beer garden. It’s a great bartending job, because there are no mixed drinks at all, just pouring tap beers, opening bottles and pouring wine for those odd folks who must have wine in a beer bar. The catch? There are a couple, actually. First, you must have experience with soccer (make sure you call it futbol). There will be a taste. Second, while the ad says the job is open to men and women, it also notes that at the time of the ad, there were no female bartenders. Oh, and to the female applicants, there will be special events when you’ll need to wear a dirndl. (Think Heidi or the St Pauli Girl). Fascinating. The temptation would be to go to the interview in full Austrian regalia, juggling a soccer ball with both knees. (Folks, I think he’s filled it anyway, so you can take the shin pads and eye black off).
In the last couple of months, there have been at least five ads looking for tattoo artists, ranging from Lake Luzerne, down to Ulster County. This is a career path none of our guidance counselors ever mentioned.
No one ever talked about go-go dancing skills either, and honestly not many of us went out and picked up the skills to pilot a 100-ton cruise boat on Lake George for the summer. Your chances of getting the go-go dancer job are improved if you have bartending skills. You do not, apparently, have to wear a dirndl.
There are some job experiences that just seem a little more difficult to acquire, unless you’re in the “right” industry. Jobs that went unapplied for this week included one requiring an “experienced process server” and another for an experienced tree climber. Some of us mighty have been good at tree-climbing back in the day, but probably not today. This lack of specific experience has also deep-sixed jobs such as “repo man” and “Zamboni driver.”
Then there’s the whole idea that if you don’t know what job ads want, it doesn’t make sense to apply for them. Perhaps you want to work the health-care industry. Well, you better know the differences among PCA, LPN, CNA and HHA.
Here are just part of the requirements for a job doing – well it’s got something to do with computers and wireless stuff.
– Working knowledge of wireless technologies like GSM, UMTS, CDMA, GPRS, EDGE.
– Very good knowledge of TDM signaling protocols like SS7, ISDN PRI&BRI, CAS-R1, CAS-R2, V5.1&V5.
– Very good knowledge of IP networking and various IP Protocols like TCP/IP, UDP, SIP, RTP&SIGTRAN.
Who knew you needed an engineering degree to read the want ads? The good news, though, there’s part of the qualifications that even a former newspaper reporter and teacher can meet — Proficient in Microsoft Office. Now if it weren’t for the pesky TDM signaling protocols.
A couple of times in this job hunt, positions that might have worked otherwise – training positions – were derailed by phrases like “pro-life stance” and “abstinence education.” Tough to work for something you don’t believe in.
Then there are the jobs we are all qualified for. Almost all of us want to make lots of money from home, and those homes usually include a computer. But it seems as though the people making the money on those jobs are the ones who are running the ads.
Finally, who hasn’t been a “Pet Parent” over the years? Who doesn’t want to tell stories about their pets? That’s all you need to be a “Pet Detective.” What’s the job? It’s selling holistic dog food in pet stores.
Well, there’s always tomorrow.